


The Bed Pan Incident

by minerva_winchester



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Eggsy is a nurse, M/M, Merlin is a doctor, Roxy is doing her residential or something??, Sorry Not Sorry, background Roxlin if you squint, harry is a doctor, like everything I write has Roxlin in it, she's not quite a doctor but almost??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 10:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5623831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minerva_winchester/pseuds/minerva_winchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy isn't paying attention to where he's walking and runs straight into Dr Harry Hart, bed pan first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bed Pan Incident

**Author's Note:**

> I have a fucked sense of humour and then this happened...

In hindsight Eggsy really should have been more careful considering he was carrying a bed pan full of a patient’s shit. But the fuckwit who had been bothering Roxy for ages now had just started singing about how much he loved her and how amazing her eyes were and how great their children would look. 

 

It was a train wreck, which considering they worked in a hospital is probably not something Eggsy should be joking about. But he was seriously singing to a very unimpressed Roxy who was very pointedly ignoring the banner and the balloons all of which proclaimed this guy’s love for Roxy.

 

So Eggsy wasn’t really paying as much attention to where he was going as he should have been. He was walking slowly carrying the bed pan trying to make sure he sees Roxy’s reaction because that is going to be hilarious but as the guy lets out a frankly ear splitting high note and Eggsy’s concentration was firmly on the Roxy he ran into a solid body bed pan first and all the shit, the literal human shit from the very nice elderely lady in Room 201 flew out of the bed pan and onto the man Eggsy had run into.

 

A man in a very nice, very expensive suit who is looking down at the shit adorning his suit like he can’t quite believe that just happened.

 

Eggsy can’t quite believe that happened.

 

Two weeks into the best job he’s ever had and he spills shit all over a rich stranger, who may very well be a patient or a bill payer. He is so fired.

 

So complete is the train wreck of Roxy’s admirer that no one seems to have noticed Eggsy staring in horror at the stranger who slowly raises his head to meet Eggsy’s wide eyed stare.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

“Am I ok?!” Eggsy parrots back. “I am so fu- sorry. So sorry! We have a dry cleaners downstairs” which Eggsy can’t really afford but keeping the job is far more important at the moment, which will never happen if this stranger tells Chester King that Eggsy spilt human feces on him.

 

“It’s quite alright.” The stranger says calmly “I’m used to it.”

 

Eggsy stares at him disbelieving.

 

“You’re used to people hurling human poop at you?”

 

The older man chuckles at Eggsy’s deadpan tone and Eggsy is struck by how attractive this man is. The smile, small though it is, reaches his eyes which are a warm brown that makes Eggsy think of chocolate rather than, perhaps most surprising in this situation, not poo. They really are a beautiful colour. 

 

It would be just Eggsy luck to cover the most attractive man he’s ever met in shit.

 

“I’m used to the poo, though the ‘hurling’ is new.”

 

“Well,” says Eggsy somewhat hysterical at how well the older man seems to be taking the mishap “I do aim to be unique and memorable.”

 

The older man smiles a somewhat more mischevious smile “Oh, I assure you, you would be memorable without the shit.”

 

And then he’s gone, striding off in the direction of the doctor’s lounge leaving Eggsy frozen to the spot.

 

A round of applause and cheers go through the surrounding people and Eggsy groans as he realises he missed Roxy putting her suitor in his place. Today was just not a good day.

 

***

 

“Eggsy!”

 

The man in question glances up to see his best friend coming towards him.

 

“Afternoon Rox. How are you this fine day?”

 

“Well, since I saw you near the nurses station when Digby confessed his love, I’m sure you can guess.”

 

Roxy slid down the wall to sit next to Eggsy on the floor, graciously not asking why it is exactly he’s sitting on the floor with his back against the wall of an empty corridor. Roxy is a good bruv like that.

 

“I split a bed pan of shit on the fittest bloke I’ve ever seen while you were turning down whateverthefuckhisnameis.” Eggsy confesses falling back into his natural accent.

 

“You know very well that his name is Digby and did you use it as an opportunity to get this fit bloke out of his clothes and into something more comfortable, like you?”

 

Snorting out a laugh Eggsy shakes his head.

 

“We’re not all as opportunistic as you babes.”

 

“Well, speaking of my many wonderful qualities, I ran into Drs Merlin and Hart just before and talked them into letting me assist with their surgeries and pencilling you in as the prep nurse. They want to meet you before they commit to it though so we’re going out for drinks tonight.”

 

“Jesus fuck Roxy didn’t they only get back today?”

 

“It’s important to admit when you want something and to make every effort to take it.”

 

Noticing the faint flush across her cheeks and they way she is avoiding eye contact Eggsy smirks.

 

“And which one is it that you want babes?”

 

Roxy just smirks.

 

“Is it both?” Eggsy asks somewhat jokingly “I’m not judging, we’ve all been there.”

 

Roxy lets out a small laugh at that “I’m pretty sure I’ve had more threesomes than you Unwin.”

 

“Only cause you’re the prettiest.” Eggsy shoots back.

 

Besides she’s probably right. Roxy is very forthcoming when she wants something that determination combined with her looks and intelligence leave Eggsy with no doubt that if she wanted a threesome she would get it.

 

***

 

The bar is a nice hole in the wall place that looks both too posh for the likes of Eggsy and too grungy for two highly respected surgeons who work at a prestigious private hospital and spent their free time saving orphans or entire villages or something equally impressive that Eggsy tuned out at orientation.

 

Catching Roxy’s eye across the bar Eggsy walks towards them taking note of the older bald man she’s sitting next to who’s watching Eggsy progress with piercing eyes and something that looks like amusement. Coming up behind the free chair next to a brunette man who hadn’t turned around Eggsy gives the bald man a wink and a smirk.

 

He couldn’t fault Roxy though, the man was quite fit.

 

Turning to introduce himself to the man sitting next to him Eggsy came face to face with the man he had covered in human shit.

 

“You’re a doctor?” Eggsy blurts, flushing when the other man laughs.

 

“Dr Harry Hart, and you must be Eggsy Unwin the nurse the young Dr Morton has been singing the praises of.”

 

“I really am sorry about earlier doctor-“

 

Dr Hart waves away his apologies. “I told you not to worry about it and my name is Harry, it’s only Dr Hart in front of patients.”

 

Returning Harry’s slight smile Eggsy settles further into his seat content Roxy made him look good enough that one small mishap wouldn’t damage their thoughts on him.

 

Meeting his best mates gaze across the table Eggsy frowns slightly at her predatory grin. He doesn’t know what she has planned but he’s found its generally best to just roll with it.

 

***

 

So Eggsy decides as he exist the pub significantly more tipsy than when he arrived, Harry and Merlin are hilarious, Roxy is more devious than he can ever give her credit for, Harry might just be interested in Eggsy and Merlin is definitely interested in Roxy.

 

“Eggsy,” Harry murmurs from next to him, “would you like to come home with me?”

 

Scratch that, Harry is definitely interested in Eggsy.

 

“Thought you’d never ask mate.” Eggsy responds with a smirk hauling the older man in for a kiss Harry soon takes control of, plundering the younger man’s mouth as he reaches down to grab a handful of Eggsy’s arse.

 

When they arrive back at Harry’s townhouse they have to stop making out in order for Harry to retrieve his keys. Standing behind the older man Eggsy decides that its now or never and gropes Harry’s arse.

 

“Eggsy,” Harry groans.

 

“Just returning the favour mate.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are everything I live for!! Thanks for reading!!


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